


a little bit of truth

by boatofcharms



Category: EXID (Band), Kpop - Fandom
Genre: Diary/Journal, F/F, Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2018-09-01 19:57:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 5,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8636104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boatofcharms/pseuds/boatofcharms
Summary: LE has a journalThe chapters are very short, so there will probably be a lot of them lmao





	1. december 2015

It’s 5:13pm. My nails are too long, it’s getting hard to type. Someone outside is honking their car horn. There are too many things in my room. I’m writing, I’m writing. I’m writing. I need to fucking cut my nails. It’s 5:17. 

It’s 5:28. I cut my nails. Fucking liberating.


	2. december 2015 still

Solji is sitting in the back seat of the car and I’m looking at her through the rear view mirror. She’s reading a book. She used to get disgustingly car sick from reading for more than 7 seconds in a moving vehicle. Her hair is in a ponytail. She’s beautiful.


	3. january 2016

The sky has been grey for three days straight. It was snowing last night and when I was walking to the studio I passed a garden and the rose bushes were sinking under the weight of gravity. Either I'm doing this wrong or I'm really bad at journaling. I wonder if anyone would listen if the things I said made no sense and had no story behind it. Empty words. That could be a song. It would be about a girl who knows her partner is always lying but she listens anyway.

That could go a lot of ways though. Would she go along with it and pretend she doesn't know the truth? Would she hear him out and pretend to believe him for herself or for him? 

And why? Why would she continue to listen? Does he tell interesting stories? Is his voice nice to hear? Yes. You listen to people either because you're interested in what they're saying or you're hopelessly devoted to the person whose saying it.


	4. february 2016

I honestly don't remember what the argument was about. It wasn't worth all of this though, I know that much. 

We had all gone into separate rooms at this point, some of us closing doors, some not bothering. I could hear Hani crying before and Junghwa's sniffles. We were all past the point of tears now and sat in a quiet, tired silence that felt heavy on all our shoulders. 

Solji is picking up her keys and purse, looking for her jacket. When she meets my eye she tell me that we still need to eat so she's going to get food. Her eyes are still puffy and red from crying. I tell her I'll go with her. She nods without responding. 

We drive in silence. It isn't as heavy as the silence before, it's just tired now. Tired and knowing. We've done this before. This is nothing new.


	5. february 2016

It was a Friday night and Solji and I were watching anime and I have no idea how we started watching it either. Hyerin was here before but she took her leave over an hour ago. 

The three of us had some beers, at one point we were all laughing so hard Hyerin's drink sprayed out of her mouth onto the counter and all that did was make us laugh harder. It's a miracle none of us choked. 

It's just Solji and I now, and she's asleep with her head on my stomach and an arm draped over my waist. The tv is still on and the remote is on the other side of the couch, comepletely out of my reach, so I'll watch this ridiculous cartoon until I pass out too. She doesn't need to be woken up. I think people are supposed to look peaceful when they sleep, Solji just looks mildly unamused. I'm trying not to laugh while writing this.


	6. march 2016

Sometimes I feel so fucking empty inside. 

It's annoyingly cold outside. I have mirror by fiestar stuck in my head. It's a damn good song. 

I don't know what else to write. 

I want to write something. 

I have dozens of half ??? Quarter finished ?? Songs in my notes on my phone, scrawled on paper, all over the place. 

None of the words sound right.


	7. april 2016

I'd always figured a bed was a bed. That's all. I mean sure some beds had more springs, some were softer or firmer, yeah sure but in the end, it was just a bed. Any bed could feel like your bed if you slept in it enough. Years of touring and moving had taught me that. It's a bed. 

But then, Solji. Of course it was Solji. 

Solji's bed was somehow entirely her own. It was all so specific. It smelled like her. The pillows smelled like her shampoo and the sheets smelled like her perfume, the blankets themselves like the type of laundry detergent she used. The blankets were also massive and thick because she always complained about being cold at night. The stupid stuffed animals she had littered all around it, the grapefruit flavoured Chapstick she used and the vanilla scented candle she loved lying on the floor beside it, and the ridiculous shade of pink that the bedspread had. 

I would hear people say they miss their own bed, I could never understand. I could miss my home, sure, but a bed was for sleeping, almost any bed would work just fine for that. 

But Solji's bed. Solji's bed is a bed I miss all the damn time.


	8. april 2016

I like you  
I like you  
I I really like you  
I love you  
I love you  
I love you just the way you are  
I like you  
I like you  
I I really like you  
I love you  
I love you  
I love you just the way you are


	9. may 2016

I feel foolish honestly. I wrote an entire song about Solji, which isn't new, but this one is actually on the album. Our actual physical studio album. What was I thinking? 

I changed some of the lyrics though, I'm not stupid. I love the song. It's a love song. It's comfortable love, the kind that comes from years of being with someone. Unconditional love, where you know the person so well, you can imagine how they'll react to anything. Nothing could change the way you feel, you couldn't care less about what they do because you're, well. You're in love. 

I wrote it because I was upset actually, I don't want to move to Canada and get married to her, to be the poster couple of South Korean lgbt, I don't want to put that pressure on her or myself either. I just. I want her. In any way she wants to give me. What we have now is good, I don't need her to do all these things, I just want to love her, and I want it to be quiet. No fireworks, no big revelations or big confessions, it's never been like that. It's always been there for me. A growing, strengthening love. I never fell for her, things that fall get broken. I don't think I've ever not loved her. Love like that is too strong to fall and shatter. 

What am I going to do? It's so different from L.I.E, the complete opposite really, I just. We always do such strong concepts, I just wanted something different. Something we haven't really done before. I wanted a song that she would smile about when she sang it. I don't want to wonder if she would still smile if she knew the weight of the words she was singing.


	10. may 2016

Hani found this stupid fucking book. Secret's out I guess.

I didn’t know at first, she’d been giving me wary smiles and was way too quick to agree with me about everything all day. It only took a few hours after breakfast before she told me, staring at her toes, that she “might’ve found a journal lying around and opened it just to see if it was yours” and by lying around, it was at the back of the bottom shelf, behind the rest of the stacked books, where I had left it. She said she read the most recent entry, which of course, just so happened to be the one where I proclaimed my love for Solji. 

God, I couldn’t even breathe. I just stared at her, I couldn’t think of anything to say. She was quick to tell me it was okay, that she wouldn’t tell anyone, that it wasn’t going to change anything between us blah blah blah, I was already crying anyway, it didn’t matter what she said at this point. Actually, that’s not true. She could’ve been awful and mean and told the manager and Solji and blown everything out of proportion. I’m lucky that Hani is the person that she is, and I’m lucky it was her who found it.

Okay, looking back at it, Hani was really nice about it all. She hugged me until I stopped crying, and I didn’t even know why I was crying either; relief? Fear? Fear of the unknown if nothing else, Hani is now the only person who knows I like girls, let alone Solji. She also asked if the song I was talking about in the journal was “will you take me”, which it was. She told me she thought the song was beautiful and had so much more meaning behind it now. She also asked about the part in the journal entry where I’d made the mistake of mentioning that there were other songs I’d written about Solji. I was torn between being proud of some of those songs and being embarrassed by them. She told me that I shouldn’t feel bad or guilty or embarrassed for writing songs about her, she said that it wasn’t something I should fight against or be ashamed of. I cried again after she said that. I think I needed to hear it. 

I started getting emotional about Hani too, about all of them really. About how we’ve endured so much together, how we've all stuck together all this time, I honestly don’t know what I’d do without them. I started writing about it. It felt different now, but in a good way.


	11. June 2016

The producers looked like they were gonna dropkick me out of the studio when I told them I wanted to add another song, but Like the Seasons made the final cut. Things felt so good. I had been worried that Hani might act weirdly when we were around Solji, not because she’s uncomfortable about it, but she’d try to push us together. Hani is the type to try and fix things, try to find a solution to everything, and I figured she might try to make a solution for whatever I feel for Solji, lock us in a closet and make us talk about our feelings or something. She’s been behaving so far though, which is a relief. 

And then yesterday. God. We won. L.I.E got its first win yesterday at show champion. The girls were so goddamn happy, they were jumping and laughing and screaming and I was just bawling. That song, this album, it’s like my baby. People love it enough for it to get number one. I couldn’t help it. It was like getting our first win all over again, but this time it was like they were all verifying and accepting me, not just the group, not just Hani’s fancam, but me, I made that and they still like it. I never would’ve made it without the girls. I never want this to change. This is all I want. I am so goddamn happy.


	12. June 2016

I need to stop crying when we get music show wins. At least Hyerin was crying this time too. I didn’t think I’d cry this time but seeing Hyerin cry got me. On another note, Solji still flinches when the confetti canons go off and I still find it endearing. 

Since talking to Hani about my feelings, I’ve been feeling more confident with Solji, if confident is even the right word. I wasn’t suppressing my feelings before necessarily, but now there’s a little chime in my head sometimes that says “you can do that actually.” You can actually just hug her and hold her hand and play with her hair without worrying about making it weird. I even came up with the idea to walk over to her after my rap in I don’t wanna drive and hold her hand to help her up off her stool and she smiled at me and I sometimes pretend I’m above all the sappy songs about feeling butterflies and feeling your heart get warm when they’re nearby but honestly? Those songs are all starting to make sense now. Not like butterflies in my stomach really, not queasy nervous butterflies but more like the effortless and airy way butterflies fly, and their bright colors. I see her and it’s magic. She’s magic in my mind. God I’m a sap.


	13. July 2016

L.I.E promotions are over now and I haven’t really been doing much. Besides going to meetings and other work stuff I don’t honestly leave the apartment much. I doubt it’s healthy but I deserve a break. I’m still writing and making music so technically I’m still working, just working from home in bed and in my pajamas all day. It’s fine.

It has made me realize that I rely on Hani being around a little more than I thought I did, she’s out filming variety shows all day and isn’t here to remind me to do laundry or wash the dishes. Actually now that I think about it, everyone is out doing stuff right now except me. Junghwa and Hyerin are at an archery range of all things, I think they said they’re practicing for ISAC. My aim sucks anyway. And Solji is going to that anime café with some friends I think, she’s been talking about it all month. Well whatever, I’m not actually alone anyway, I have a dog.


	14. September 2016

Hani is scheming and I fucking know it. She’s so clever that it wouldn’t have been noticeable if I hadn’t been looking for it .We finished ISAC yesterday, and I swear she took every opportunity there was to, in one way or another, poke at whatever me and Solji have. I mean, I’ll admit, I use the cameras and fans being around as an excuse for more skinship or whatever, but Hani was relentless. I kicked Solji to get her attention and she chased me, and then Hani yelled, fucking yelled in front of hundreds of people, “cute couple!” and it’s lucky she’s fast because Solji and I both started chasing her after she said that. Hell, even when I made a heart for the fans with Junghwa, Hani came and broke it with her arm. Is she trying to make it obvious??? 

Maybe I’m just overthinking it. I quietly asked her if she was doing it on purpose while Hyerin and Junghwa were doing archery, and then she rambled on about some psychological method of suggesting it and making it more familiar and possible of an idea in Solji’s head, again, saying this only a few feet from Solji herself. Heeyeon’s a genius, she really is, but she’s so fucking dumb sometimes. I don’t think Solji noticed this time but if Hani keeps this up, she will eventually. Though I think Hyerin will notice it first, if she hasn’t already. She’s also more likely to say something about it without thinking, and then Solji will start analysing my behaviour and then get uncomfortable around me and I’ll either have to lie to her and overanalyse my every move even more than I have been for the past 3 years, or I’ll have to tell her the truth and watch our group’s friendship, our family, fall apart all because of me and my stupid feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i haven't updated in months :( i promise i'll finish the ENTIRE fic by the end of August, and once school is over at the end of april i will be updating more frequently :)


	15. October 2016

Something I like about living with Heeyeon is that our apartment is very lived in. Pieces of our personalities decorate the small space like wallpaper, from the patterned lampshades to Hani’s onesie collection, it is very much ours. Hyerin’s house, though cozy and friendly enough, still feels very unlived in. It shows how often she’s out and about, and that she isn’t usually at her house for long enough periods of time for evidence of her messy behaviour, but nobody would notice that right now, the crowd of people inside of it made it lively and bright. She’s having us all over to celebrate the birthday of our stylist and close friend, though I think she overestimated how many people could actually fit inside her house. 

We’ve been here a few hours now, I’ve gone through the motions of socializing and smiling at people I don’t completely recognize and laughing at jokes that aren’t necessarily funny but having a good time all the while. And drinking. I’ve been doing that too. 

Solji was with me almost all evening, we sat beside each other on the couch before dinner and she followed me to my seat when we ate and sat with me there too. It’s not like she doesn’t know anyone here, she knows almost everyone here, which can only bring me to the ridiculous conclusion that Hani’s theory of easing Solji into the idea of being with me might have actually worked. Or maybe I’m just paying more attention now. Or I’m drunk. That’s also a possibility. 

She’s so lovely. Her smile is always sweet and her eyes are always soft. I love when she looks at me. I love when she laughs and when she nods her head when she’s listening carefully to someone talk and the dimples under her eyes when she smiles That Smile. She’s cuter than Cosmic Girls. And they’re adorable. 

She’s been a little jittery lately, a few times when I hugged her or she backhugged me and could feel her heartbeat, and it was racing. There’s an impossibly small voice in my head that keeps saying maybe, just maybe, her heart sped up because of me. I suspect that voice is the same voice that tells me that maybe the world wouldn’t fall apart if I told her all the things I loved about her. I’m starting to really like that voice.


	16. november 2016

I’m starting to get worried about Solji. Last night she texted me asking if I was still awake and since I was, she asked if she could come over. Her fucking hands were shaking. I made her eat some left over soup we had in the fridge but that didn’t calm her nerves. It couldn’t be stress, unless there was something she wasn’t telling me. We had finished promotions and with Hani filming weekly idol all the time, things were pretty quiet these days. She said she just feels restless and anxious all the time, but physically she’s always tired. Which sounds pretty fucking concerning if you ask me. 

We sat on the couch talking for a while, I didn’t have an urge to reach out to her necessarily, but part of me just felt like I was supposed to. I guess that’s literally what an urge is but it wasn’t urgent is what I’m trying to say, I think. I took her hands, I tried covering it up by telling her the shaking was scaring me, but it occurred to me after I’d said it that I probably didn’t actually need to say anything, I don’t think Solji wouldn’t have questioned it. 

At one point she had trailed off while talking and rested her forehead against my knees. She looked so defeated. The little voice in my mind that said !! opportunity !! came back again and I pulled her into my lap and wrapped my arms around her. I pretended not to notice her trembling and soft sniffles. She tried to apologize but I shushed her and said something about how she had helped me on my bad days too, how we’d always be there for each other and then, before I could even think about it, SHE said how that reminded her of ‘like the seasons’ and I shit you not, I felt like I’d just been caught doing something I wasn’t supposed to be doing. I must’ve tensed up because she looked up at me with her big, swollen, confused puppy dog eyes and I got so weirdly emotional I was worried I might start crying. I didn’t but I might’ve.

I didn’t want to make a big deal about it, but I just wanted to see how she’d react, I wanted to know what she thought, there were so many things going through my head. But I told her, in a voice so soft it was barely a whisper, that the song was about her. 

In my defense, it was very late, I was sleep deprived and vulnerable and it was HER fault for coming and talking to me with her big brown eyes when I was in such a state but. I told her. I guess. I mean, I was pretty casual about it, I think I said “it’s about you y’know.” Or something along those lines. Being the coward that I am, I also added “all of you.” after it, and gestured to Hani’s bedroom where I assumed she was sleeping. My dog could’ve transformed into an elephant in those few seconds Solji and I spent staring at each other and I would’ve been none the wiser. As far as I was concerned, my heart, breathing, the world spinning, and time itself had all taken a pause. 

And then she smiled a watery smile, ducked her head into the crook of my neck and said “I had hoped it was.” 

Tears welled up in my eyes for reasons I don’t care to analyze, but I blinked them away.


	17. december 2016

Hypothyroidism. 

I was so stupid not to notice all the symptoms, I was so caught up in my own thoughts ABOUT her that I didn’t even see what was happening TO her.

How long has she been in pain? The earliest I remember her mentioning anything was ??? September ?? God. All the mood swings and hand tremors, fuck that even explains why her heart was beating so weird before. And to think I thought it was actually because of me. To think she came to me in the night when she couldn’t sleep because she what? Missed me? I feel like such a teenager. Here I was overthinking everything and theorizing when really she just. She was just sick. 

I was even gonna confess to her. I really was. It was going to be the night after the Cream music video was released, I had it all planned out. We’d all be celebrating, nothing too extravagant, probably at a restaurant, a few drinks to get my courage up, invite her to come back home with Hani and I, Hani would be in on it and she would ‘go to bed early’, leaving the two of us alone. And then I had a whole list of different stupid romantic gestures that I could’ve done from that point, many of which involved impromptu slow dancing. All of those scenarios of us laughing and dancing and the shy smiles and quiet words and happy endings are now corroded with the image of Solji’s face staring back at mine in confusion, in discomfort, embarrassment, disgust even. All because I tried to make something out of nothing. 

And the group. What would this mean for them? For us? Obviously Solji will take a break, which means I’m gonna have to step up and take on more responsibility as a leader and Hyerin is gonna have to sing all of Solji’s lines in concerts and the fans will be upset and Junghwa will be upset and I will be upset. And then Solji will be upset because people are upset about her. I won’t show it. I won’t. And I’ll encourage the other girls not to show it either. This is not the time for Solji to feel burdened by everyone else’s feelings. She needs to focus on herself and her health. 

This. This is gonna be hard.


	18. december 2016

Distracting myself is impossible. Trying not to think about it is like sitting in the rain and pretending you’re not getting wet. I tried music, but every song is wrong. I’ve gone through 8 of my playlists just skipping every song that comes up on shuffle until I run out of songs. What kind of mood am I in? I can’t pin point it, I haven’t been able to for days. I’m never in the mood to do anything in particular like watch a movie or read or write or anything. I’m just. Stuck.


	19. january 2017

It’s Solji’s birthday and I don’t know how I’m supposed to act. Junghwa is the only one who isn’t really holding back her feelings about Solji’s health issues, Heeyeon is putting on a good show as usual and Hyerin is clearly doing her best to pretend she isn’t terrified, I’m doing whatever the hell it is that I’m doing, but Junghwa keeps looking at Solji like it may be the last time she ever sees her. I will admit that Solji is looking a little worse for wear, in Junghwa’s defense. She looks exhausted. Even though from her perspective, nothing between us has really changed, I feel like I need to think out every word before I speak to her, I made a plan that centered around being distant enough to be able to think clearly about how I should be acting and doing everything I can to not be obviously upset. 

I think she noticed though. I’m not sure. If avoiding her eyes and going stiff every time she made any kind of physical contact with me wasn’t obvious enough, at one point she had smiled at me and I guess my smile in return wasn’t particularly convincing, because a troubled look washed over her and she was still looking at me. I’ve never been much of a blusher but lately she looks at me and I feel like my face is on fire. If the other people start catching on, I think I might have to set myself on actual fire. I hate this. How to I tell my body that we’re on the same damn team, and it should start acting like it.


	20. february 2017

I’ve been so irritable lately and I know that, I recognize it, but that doesn’t make me feel any less pissed off about the insignificant and downright stupid things that keep ticking me off. There’s so much more to do with Solji on leave, and since I’m trying to not talk to her, piecing everything together is even harder. We’re gonna have a comeback in April like we’d planned, just without Solji. Which is weird enough, so I figure we might as well go for a different concept too, since we’ll have to work around not having Solji singing, DDD won’t work for now, so we’re doing a retro concept instead. It’ll be a nice change, I just hope it’s well received. 

I haven’t been talking to Solji as much lately, and I figure it’s probably for the better. I think she knows something changed, and I think she thinks it’s her fault. I hate that. I’m still trying to figure out how I’m gonna deal with everything, and it’s just getting more and more complicated. I don’t think keeping it all to myself is a good idea though.


	21. february 2017

I talked to Heeyeon. The two of us were getting dinner after a show in Singapore, and I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to talk to her about everything I’ve been feeling about Solji lately. It felt good to get it all out, but at the same time, I almost felt guilty. I didn’t want to burden Heeyeon with it all, but I knew she wouldn’t mind, and a second opinion proved to be a good thing. She said that she and Solji had been talking and how Solji was worried about me, she thought I was taking on too much work and she’d noticed how distant I’d become, and it made her sad. Those were Heeyeon’s exact words. It made her sad. My actions made Solji _sad._

Part of me was unreasonably angry. She was sad? I was losing my fucking mind over her. Going through whiplash emotions trying to figure out how to act around her and how I’m supposed to function when she’s not around. I think about her more often than I think about anything else, and she’s sad because she thinks I’m stressed about work? 

But then. Then the guilt. Of course she is. She thinks it’s her fault that I’m stressed, that I’m distant and upset. That’s just like her. She’s smart. Smart, but unobservant. When it comes down to it, she just always has her guard down around me, around all of us. I could tell her I love her so much I would kill for her, and she’d just fucking smile back and tell me she loves me too. She would have no idea how much my words weighed, how the weight of them dragged me down and reduced me to tears sometimes. I realize that my fear of a bad reaction and messed up relationship between the two of us has already happened and I never even told her how I felt. There is nobody to blame but me and my stupid feelings.


	22. march 2017

The filming for Night Rather Than Day felt long but comfortable at the same time. It felt easy and familiar, something I knew how to do that hadn’t changed, at least I could pretend nothing had changed. There were also a few dogs hanging around set so that helped too. I was tired, but in a good mood. I was too focused to think about anything but filming and my hair and making sure I didn’t smudge my makeup and remembering the dance and everything else that went into a music video that when Solji first showed up, I didn’t notice. She was talking to the staff when Junghwa saw her and let out an excited yelp and I swear when I saw her, I thought I was gonna be angry or upset or uncomfortable or worried but it all just slipped away. She smiled at me and I smiled back. It was an easy thing to do. Easy and familiar. 

She had brought pizza for everyone and it was being passed around, but I still wasn’t sure if I should go to her, and luckily, I didn’t have to make that choice, because she came to me. Quietly and casually, she wormed her way through the small crowd and came up behind me, as if it were the most normal thing in the world, which I wanted it to be. 

She reached out so tentatively, seeing her so unsure made me feel weird. Her fingers brushed my arm and her eyes held something I couldn’t place, but I leaned into her touch. It was ungraceful and borderline awkward but the relief made me want to cry. We held hands and she rested her head on my shoulder, I could smell her perfume. It lasted a minute maybe but nothing else mattered in that minute, people around us were talking and eating and laughing and squealing and I heard none of it somehow. That same small part of me hoped once again, despite everything that had gone through my mind less than 24 hours ago, that since Solji wasn’t really partaking in the conversations around us either, that maybe. Maybe maybe maybe.


	23. april 2017

Since we started promoting, things had become easier. I’m not sure if it had something to do with how Solji and I had that moment at the music video filming, or maybe it was that we were promoting a comeback and everything was busy all the time and a type of busy I could lose myself in. Either way, I’m really proud of the girls and how we’re doing, getting wins on music shows and carrying on without much difficulty despite Solji’s absence. 

And another thing. It’s not a big deal, I shouldn’t be as excited as I am, but it’s my damn diary, I’ll say whatever I want in it. We’d gotten a win on Show Champion and my first thought was of Solji, so I told her I love her through the camera, the words didn’t weigh me down this time either. Later on she’d sent me a snapchat of that moment with a bunch of crying emojis and said “aww hahah I love you too!!” and it’s really such a small thing, I don’t know why I’m letting myself get like this again but I can’t be bothered to stop. I had put myself through so much pain before trying to ignore and avoid the feelings Solji gave me, and I’d already been horribly… pained… because of her. I don’t want to say my heart had broken because that’s just too cliché. Basically I knew I could handle it, if something bad happened again between us, I can handle it because I’ve done it before. At least, that’s what I tell myself as an excuse to let myself enjoy the sweet moments.


End file.
